Locust and Wild Honey Ices – a drama

Here’s a slightly off-the-wall take on Jesus’ baptism.

Seller      Ice creams! Get your ices here! …….. Ices! Freshly made this morning ……

Reuben  walks past looking puzzled

Seller    … ices! Nice refreshing ices. Latest from Benjamin and Jeremiah’s ….. Locust and Wild Honey flavor. All the rage! Prophet special!! Get your ices here!

Reuben    Oi, you, what are you doing?

Seller    What d’you mean? I’m selling ice creams. Earning an honest shekel.

Reuben    But they haven’t even been invented yet.

Seller    Well, that Benjamin and Jeremiahs for you – always ahead of the game … get your Locust and Wild Honey ices here. Prophet special!!!

Reuben    cowering back Don’t do that!

Seller    What?

Reuben    Shout in my ear

Seller    Well, don’t stand so close to me. Hey, that sounds like a good title for a song … (begins humming) … “don’t stand so, don’t stand so …”

Reuben    What are you doing now?!?

Seller    Sorry, just got transported for a minute.

Reuben    What a good idea! Look, where did you get this “prophet special” business from and who on earth is going to eat locusts and wild honey?

Seller    Everyone! They’re going like … well, like hot unleavened bread.

Reuben    Locusts?!! … and wild honey?!!!? That’s just gross.

Seller    No, it’s all the rage since that John bloke came out of the wilderness. Have you seen him. I mean he looks a bit weird with his animal skins and leather but he doesn’t half draw a crowd and, as my old mother used to say, where there’s people there’s profit. So ices it is!

Reuben    But I don’t get the flavour.

Seller    That’s all he eats. Just locusts and wild honey. I did think of drizzling a bit of red wine over them but apparently John doesn’t drink. Never has, so that put the mockers on it. Never mind, got another idea now.

Reuben    What?

Seller    Well, see that crowd down there by the River Jordan? Apparently, his cousin’s shown up. Jesus, from Nazareth, and there’s a really big deal going on about John baptising him. I couldn’t hear everything but they were talking for ages.

So anyway, I thought I might produce a “cousin cornet” – two different flavours. I’m working on “Jordan honey” and “Nazareth Nougat” – what do you think?

Reuben    I really don’t know. I’ve never tried nougat. Actually I’ve never tried ice cream either and I think John’s being quite serious down there. He might get a bit upset at you trying to hi-jack what he’s doing with all these gimmicks.

Seller    Gimmicks! Gimmicks!!! They’re just good old fashioned trading princi…………. eh, look, did you see that?

Reuben    Yes, that’s amazing! It was a dove, wasn’t it?

Seller    I think so. Landed right on his head.

Reuben    Did you hear the voice?

Seller    Voice? What voice? I think you’ver started to hear things. It must be the heat. You need one of my ice creams.

Reuben    No, be serious. There was a voice. I swear it came from heaven. “This is my beloved son. With him I am well pleased,” it said. “Listen to him.”

Seller    Never mind about any voice. I’ve had another idea. With my “cousin cornet” I could sprinkle raisins on the top, couldn’t I? It would be just like dove droppings! Ices!! Get your ices here! Latest from Benjamin and Jeremiahs, locust and wild honey. Exclusive prophet special!!

Reuben    Turns away in disgust.

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