Breadxit, Dave and George

“I say DC, is that you?”

“Of course it is, George, you rang my phone didn’t you?”

“Yes well sometimes one of those security chappies answers and I wanted to be sure it really was you.”

“I don’t have any security any more, more’s the pity. Only yesterday someone in Waitrose took the last bottle of organic full cream milk right from under Sam’s nose. A couple off months ago I could have had them deported. Now all I could do was sniff loudly.”

“Gosh DC, milk eh? How much did that cost?”

“Dunno Georgie. I think it’s about £15 a bottle. A bit like cheap Scotch.”

“Is it. Well I never.”

“No, I guess you didn’t. Anyway, what did you want? I’m very busy ironing the children’s sandwiches for school.”

“Oh yes. I’ve just heard some great news! Apparently Bake Off is leaving the BBC – that’s a TV station they tell me, a bit like Sky News but without Kay Burleigh.”

“And …?”

“Well, I was thinking, if you’re retiring from Parliament and those bounders in the boundaries whatsit are going to do away with my seat by the next election, we could do with a new challenge.”

“And you think we should become contestants on Bake Off?”

“No DC. This is my cunning plan. D’you like that phrase? I heard that on a history programme: Black-something. Anyway. I think we would be the ideal presenters of it!”

“Are you mad Georgie?”

“No listen DC. Apparently the two who do it now are this pair of comedy women – Mel and Sue. We could be ‘Call Me Dave’ and ‘Soggy Bottom George’.

“Soggy what?!?”

“Soggy bottom … it’s when …”

“Don’t even bother to explain George. Listen, I’m getting out of Parliament because I don’t want to be a distraction to the PM.”

“Oh, is that the real story? I thought that was just the news release from Number 10.”

‘Well it is really but I can’t tell them the actual reason.”

“Oh it’s not that again, is it DC? You haven’t! Tell me you didn’t!!”

“It’s OK George. I’ve got it under control. The therapist says it could be quite good for me.”

“When?”

“Week three. Simon’s really excited about it by all accounts.”

“Well he would be. It’ll be the first time a TV talent show’s featured an ex-Prime Minister dressed as Marilyn Monroe singing ‘I’ve got a loverly bunch of coconuts’.”

“Simon thinks I’m a natural.”

“Oh Lord.”

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